exploration without expectation
This past weekend, I attended the first of an intimate, three-part "professional" workshop with some folks in a similar life phase as me. When I say this is the first time in years that it felt like I was doing something for myself, unencumbered by a set outcome, goal or expectation, I do not exaggerate. I signed up out of curiousity, I prepared nothing, and when the session came and went, I left satisfied but with no real objective other than to attend the next one. It's strange to feel so detached about it; I came away with many things in mind, especially because this was the sort of experience that talked about definitions of success and envisioning my future and other nuanced productivity jargon. And I don't even write to say that it was ineffective or uninspiring. I've been contemplating for the last 48 hours about the future I want, what past choices I've allowed to dictate my trajectory, how I go about my days now that feed into my dreams. I've been exploring all this time. Whatās strange is the lack of guilt, shame, anxiety or stress that normally gnaws or makes itself known on the fringes of my mind after consuming similar āstrategic guide for your dreamsā content.
Perhaps it was the setting: seven people from all different backgrounds and life journeys, hunched over notebooks around a wooden dining table, in a cozy apartment in a faraway city I now call home. At one point, all I could hear was soft scribbling as everyone took pen, crayon, marker to paper to draw their measures of a life well-lived. Maybe that sense of enough was the community everyone has been talking about across the internet that weāve been collectively needing but that is not necessarily a hunger Iāve been looking to sate. I didnāt go to fix any ennui - allotting that fixed time just for me and not any of the other responsibilities or duties I have was a task in itself, boredom hasnāt been an option for me since my twenties.
I suppose being able to meander down a path and mindset I havenāt been down has felt like a fizzling fantasy as a product of the hustle-grind society, and molded by āwithout purpose, thereās no point.ā
In all honesty, I think what I experienced in that moment was play. These days, I bear witness to the way a child follows whatever piques their curiousity and then interacts with it, despite the limitations of their understanding or reasoning. To that kid, thereās no condition to seeing a toy spin, no need to negotiate why such a thing should happen, only revelling in the delight it brings.
Itās a stroll in the land of what-ifs without urgency to arrive at a destination. Exploration for the sake of following the thoughts and possibilities down the rabbit hole and not expecting it to be the answer to any question. I think, itās been a long time since I let myself be without needing to solve any of lifeās mysteries along the way.
When was the last time you explored without expectation?